Figuratively Naked

When I was a little kid, a friend and I decided it would be a good idea to make what we called "Bug Juice". It consisted of just a few ingredients:

1. Water
2. One roly poly (a.k.a. a "pill bug")
3. Shredded leaves
4. A twig

There was a hole in the ground back at my old house, about one inch in diameter, not too deep. I found this to be the perfect place to brew this recipe. I filled it with water, introduced the leaves and twig, and grabbed my lab experiment roly poly. In it went into the dark depths of water science.

My friend and I never had a game plan for what to do with this "bug juice". I know we didn't want to drink it. Ultimately, it was going to be a miraculous concoction to be given to other bugs that would make them strong, like Popeye.

But if it contained a bug (and it certainly did), this was Soylent Green for bugs.

Now I want to tell you something very personal about myself (put the violins away. This blog doesn't have to be as solemn as I am), But if you know me, you've probably figured out by now that I've got issues.

They've gotten the better of me my entire life. They stemmed from my childhood, years of getting bullied by strangers and colleagues, only to be told by the people I looked up to most that this happened because "I let it happen".

This is why I empathize with so many people.

Life's hard enough. You don't need any extra BS. So let me tell you, when anxiety and depression hits you, it hits you everywhere. The best way I can describe what life feels like when it hits you is "a personal prison". I've been told somewhat recently by a girl on the first date that she had depression and anxiety. And I, trying to be sly without revealing all of myself on the first date, replied with "I totally understand. I'm no stranger to that stuff." I could have said "Me, too! Oh my God, twinsies!" I think I dodged a bullet there.

But it's true. I know anxiety and depression way better than I'd have wanted to.

I've only had a few people in my life really give me all I ever ask for. And all they had to do was just be there. They knew I have depression, but they would sit with me and just talk.

That was perfect.

They'd talk with me because they knew that there's a decent guy underneath the stress. And even if I'm sometimes a jerk, my friends know all I really want in life is what's best for everyone. I struggle, but that obviously doesn't give me the right to go off and hurt others (I wish more adults shared that philosophy).

What a depressed person should never be told is "Man, just stop thinking this way. Its not good for you." What, like I'm an idiot? Like I forgot that I should be happy instead?

Other things you shouldn't say to a depressed person (from experience):

1) "Just snap out of it."

I can't.

2) "What's wrong with you?"

A lot.

3) "This is upsetting me. Let's change the subject."

While you have the luxury of not having to endure my pain, the least you can do is hug me, Now get over here, this torso's not going to hug itself.

*       *       *

I've spent a lot of my life burying my brain in video games, finally kicked that habit. I think a lot of my love for movies, Disneyland, and the such is derived for my passion of exploring worlds that are completely alien.

Hell, deep down, that's what I loved about Florida. It could not have felt further from reality than it was! The only way I knew I was still on Earth when I arrived was the fact that I arrived with a seemingly fun-loving guy I knew in L.A. And he ended up being the meanest person I've ever met, making Florida seem even more like an opposite world!

I think what I'm looking for most in life is majesty. Every time I get a new job, I'm blown away simply by the new sights and sounds. Disneyland was like Heaven. So was Warner Brothers. Both of those jobs were tougher than you'd think, but just being there felt like a nice dream.

When I do something, I give it my all. I'm a writer now, doing stand-up comedy whenever I can. Giving all my energy into what I do is the best method I've found of combating anxiety. That's one of the main reasons why I love working and suffer when doing nothing.

Now, I'm not trying to shake the system with this blog. I don't expect the whole world to be more understanding of people like me because of one blog. But if I had to compare it to something, I guess this is my own "Ice Bucket Challenge" for depression and anxiety. I really want to remove the stigma that comes with revealing it. I've been pushed away by quite a few of my former associates upon telling them I have these issues. That's probably the hardest part. But I've made it this far, doing better every day. I want to do some more good with the rest of my long ass life and I don't see any brakes on this train.

Peace.